Moving to a new country – especially one as vibrant and sun-drenched as Spain – is often sold as a fresh start. But for many of us, that move comes with an invisible weight: the pressure to fit in quickly, make friends fast, and prove we’re the easygoing expat who’s up for anything.
And in those early days, alcohol becomes the ultimate social shortcut.
It’s the bridge between you and a table of strangers at a terrace bar. It’s the tool that quiets the people-pleaser inside – that part of you that’s terrified of being the difficult one, the person who kills the vibe by ordering water.
The People-Pleasing Trap
When you’re navigating a new culture, your inner pleaser goes into overdrive. You want to be invited back. You want to show you’re embracing the lifestyle. And when the local culture revolves around long lunches with wine and late nights with beer, saying no can feel like rejecting the community itself.
We tell ourselves we’re drinking to relax. But often, we’re drinking to disappear.
We use it to numb the anxiety of not speaking the language perfectly. To mask the exhaustion of constantly adapting. To make other people comfortable – even when it leaves us feeling disconnected from ourselves the next morning.
Rewriting the Story
The pivot starts when you realise that real connection doesn’t actually require a glass of vino. In fact, the most vivid, fully-alive moments of expat life tend to happen when you’re present enough to actually remember them.
If you’re rethinking your relationship with alcohol while living abroad, here are three ways to make the shift:
1. Decide before you arrive Don’t wait for the waiter to come over. Check the drinks menu in advance and choose what you’re having before you walk in. It removes the pleaser’s instinct to scan the room and match everyone else’s order. A tonic water with ice and lime looks indistinguishable from a gin and tonic – not that you owe anyone an explanation.
2. Find different anchors Look for experiences where alcohol simply isn’t part of the picture. A morning swim, a coastal walk, a mountain hike – Spain offers endless ways to connect through movement and nature, not just through sitting at a bar. Groups like our own Sober Socials, Costa Women, and Internations run a wide variety of activities that make it easy to meet people on your own terms.
3. Start somewhere safe If the idea of a sober night out still feels daunting, begin somewhere specifically designed for it. Our upcoming Sober Socials Mocktail Evening (Tuesday 16th June, 19:30, La Cala de Mijas) is exactly that – a relaxed space to be social without performing, pleasing, or proving anything. A chance to discover that you can be witty, warm, and fully yourself without a drink in your hand.
Living abroad should be about expansion. About growing into a bigger version of yourself – not shrinking to fit a mould. When we stop drinking to please other people, we finally create the space to start living for ourselves.
How have you found navigating the drinking culture as an expat? We’d love to hear your experience in the comments below.
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